Learning to let go of someone we love can be one of the most difficult and challenging experiences we may face in life, especially if we believe that person is our soul mate. It can send us into a spiral of different emotions, ones of pain, grief, frustration and unhappiness. Sometimes it is even harder to accept that someone doesn’t love you as you love them, or that they have decided their life would be a happier place without you in it. The most challenging thing we need to remember, is that we should never lose ourself, just because someone is prepared to you lose us. Life will never be simple, and learning to love even when the outcome may not be what we had hoped for, is simply another lesson for us to embrace, learn and grow from.
1. Accept and embrace the moment fully – Feeling and accepting pain is hard, but to truly work through something we have to feel it fully. Don’t fight it, the more we try to fight and stifle our emotions, the more we can unintentionally prolong our feelings of negativity and sadness, this in turn can cause us much unnecessary stress. Suppressing grief and anxiety can also eventually start to manifest in our physical bodies and in time, this can in fact make us quiet poorly.
2. Don’t continue to dwell on ‘what might have been’ – simply because it isn’t. You are not serving yourself well, the more you play scenarios in your head about how a relationship may have turned out. Remind yourself you are no longer with that person for a reason, and continuing to romanticize about something from the past, is preventing you from living in the present moment.
3. Remind yourself how awesome you were before the relationship – a breakup can often leave you with feelings of self-doubt and insecurities. Take a moment to remind yourself of the person you were before the relationship occurred. This can help refocus your attention to the positive things, about you and your newly single identity.
4.Don’t compare yourself to someone else – If your relationship has ended because your partner has found someone new, refrain yourself from making comparisons to that person. You may believe you are a better person, a kinder person, a funnier person, or a more suitable partner, but constantly making comparisons to someone else, someone who your ex is now happier with, will only leave you with feelings of frustration, anger and sadness. Stop trying to walk in your ex’s shoes, remind yourself their life isn’t yours to control.
5.Allow the tears to flow – Crying is an integral part of the healing process, it releases feelings of fear, unhappiness and grief. Don’t be angry at yourself for wanting to have a good sob. Embrace the feelings of sadness, and ride gently on the waves of your tears.
6.Be safe in the knowledge you will experience love again – When we lose someone we loved with all our heart and soul, often we are overwhelmed with the fear we will never love again. When these negative thoughts engulf you go and sit somewhere quietly and write in a journal everything you know that is good and positive about yourself. Do you think you are a kind person, hard-working, understanding and compassionate? You can try calling a friend to see if they can help you out, if you find it a hard task to do on your own. Switching our focus to our positive qualities, can in turn help negative feelings into more hopeful ones. Everyone has unique and beautiful qualities, we sometimes just need to take the time to remind ourselves of our own.
7.Identify what the relationship taught you – this can be hard to do early on, but once we have had a little time to heal, often we can look back on a relationship and see what that union taught us. I strongly believe everyone we come into contact with in our life time has been sent to teach us something, and in turn in some way they will help our soul grow. Years a go, I was in a very controlling and negative relationship. My partner at the time was a very insecure and aggressive man. Years on I can now look back and see that relationship taught me patience, how insecurities can effect others and how I should only be in relationships that serve me well, because I deserve nothing less. At the time, it was a very painful experience, but now I realise it had great value to the person I am now, and also how I now treat others.
8.Don’t cling on to something you didn’t own in the first place – We experience love, but we do not own it. People fall in and out of love all the time, sometimes we change or our partner changes. Sometimes our circumstances alter and this affects how we feel. It may be we still love one another, but in life we want different things. Love is a wonderful emotion, it is the foundation of our soul, but remind yourself love isn’t ours to own like a nice car or a big house, it isn’t a possession. Love comes and goes as it pleases, it cannot be forced or locked away so it can never escape. Don’t turn love into an attachment, embrace it wholeheartedly when it’s appears, but also let it go freely when it asks to leave.
9. Don’t view your entire identity on being loved – You are you, in your truest form. You don’t need to be in a relationship to have your own identity. Being in a relationship doesn’t make you who you are. Remind yourself of this every time you start to feel negative or sad about being on your own. Once we let go of the notion we need a partner to make us whole, being on our own becomes a little easier. You are complete simply as you are, just as you were the day you were born.
10.Create and embrace your single identity – Start to empower your single status. Go to the gym to feel good about yourself. Spend quality time with your friends and family. Delete any emails or texts from your ex and stop stalking them on social media sites, just to see what they are ‘up to’. The less time you spend in the past, the more room you give to your future.
11. Do not have regrets – You cannot change your past. So stop living like you can. Regrets never serve you well, we don’t have the option to turn back time and do things differently, we can only learn from our past experiences and move on from them.
12. Acknowledge the experience and bless them on their journey – even if a break up has been a very painful one, after a period of healing, I always take the time to meditate and explore what the relationship taught me. I then visualise that person in my mind, I surround them with love and bless them wholeheartedly on their journey. They may have only been with me a while, and at times it may not have been a very beneficial relationship (after all we broke up for a reason), but for me it’s a point of closure. We served each other in what ever way we needed to at the time, and taking a moment to acknowledge, honour and respect that fact, helps me process the experience and move on from it.