Six Tips on Dealing With Insecure People

“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” – Lazurus Long

Feelings of insecurity, we have all experienced them at some point in our lives.  A jealous feeling deep within our being due to an experience we felt was out of our control.  A moment of fear when we believed someone may have been talking negatively about us. A deep-rooted worry that a partner may no longer love us.  Look back, we have all been there and it is never a nice place to be.

Feelings of constant insecurity and doubt about our worth and value, is nothing short of destructive to our peace of mind and ultimate happiness in life.  Being in a relationship of some sort with someone who is very insecure can also be draining and challenging for everyone involved.

In my career as a manager and business owner, I have had the challenge but also pleasure of managing some very insecure people. In my early years I would find peoples insecurities frustrating and even tiresome. Now I try to take pleasure in helping these type of people acknowledge their insecurities and then try to help them to embrace these feelings, with the view of growing and reaching a new-found wisdom.

The need to control. Insecure people can often have an over whelming desire to control the relationships around them and situations that are be presented to them. Insecurities can make a person feel as if they are constantly walking outside of their comfort zone, and we all know how that feels. Because of this, they will often desperately try to control the views, opinions and actions of others.  Try to acknowledge this when you see it happening, and rather than become frustrated with the other person, empathise, but do not let feelings of sympathy allow the controlling action to continue.  What you don’t want to do is encourage controlling behaviour, because if you do, their behaviour will never alter and ultimately you will be helping to feed your friends/partner insecurities even more.

I was once in a relationship with a really insecure partner. He didn’t like me going out on my own with my friends, dressing in a certain way or even meeting new people. It was the most suffocating relationship I have ever been in, and when I realised I was changing who I was to please him, it finally dawned on me that it was time to move on.

The need to always be right and never wrong .  Insecure people will often need to have the last word and will sometimes find it hard to accept others views or opinions, often believing their view is the only ‘right’ view point. They will also often get very frustrated if you express a different opinion or even challenge their own beliefs. Again be mindful if this kind of situation arises, there is no point becoming angry or frustrated. I will gently challenge someone’s opinion if I disagree with it, yes, but would never get into a heated discussion.  If someone really isn’t listening to you and you are finding yourself with feelings of frustration, you can gently divert the conversation in another direction, or even take a moment to be silent.

Finger pointing and fault-finding.  Insecure people will often blame others for their own unhappiness and insecurities. Secure, happy and confident people, may not always be happy with a certain situation but they won’t always be looking to point the blame at everyone else.  This is something I have dealt with on many, many occasions as a manager.  The classic excuse of  “It’s so an so’s fault I’m unhappy because he/she didn’t do this or that”.  Again, I do not tolerate this kind of excuse finding behaviour if it is unwarranted. I will always point out gently and with kindness and compassion, why that clearly isn’t the case and offer a positive solution of how that person can start to take responsibility for their own actions and happiness.

Not wanting to share your happiness or success. This is a common cause for friendships and partnerships to breakdown, when one persons insecurities inhibits their ability to be happy for someone else’s good fortune or success.  You may have been friends with someone for a while, or in a relationship that was ticking along nicely, and then suddenly your situation changes, and your partner or friend begins to find it difficult to share your happiness. You may get a new job, find a new boyfriend, buy your dream home and before you know it your friend, for no ‘obvious’ reasons no longer wants to spend time with you.

This can be hurtful and confusing for all of those involved. Your partner/friend may be struggling with such feelings of worthlessness, unhappiness and jealousy, that she finds it really difficult to see you spending time with your new man, enjoying your new job etc. For you, it can leave you feeling really hurt and confused that your friend, who you valued, suddenly can’t be happy for you.  Insecure people can feel threatened very easily, and will often struggle to keep the upper hand when it comes to their careers, relationships and personal life as this gives them a sense of worth. Insecure people can also often ‘shut down’ and appear to ‘turn on you’ for no real valid reason. Finding it increasingly challenging and difficult to deal with their negative feelings and emotions.

A few years ago,  I had a female colleague that I truly cared for as a friend. I had worked with her on a professional level for some years, and really valued her talents. We worked really well together, until I suddenly noticed that she was beginning to show signs of insecure behaviour. She became almost paranoid about other professional women in our field, and she truly thought that people were ‘against’ her in some way. Everything was becoming a bit of a drama.  The more successful she became the more irrational her behaviour grew, until one day, she actually turned on me. It was unexpected, unnecessary and quite honestly it was unkind.  Her insecurities had caused her to become over analytical and judgemental of people and situations.  This in turn caused her much internal unhappiness and anger.   At the time, it was a situation that caused me a great deal of angst and sadness. Years later, I can see the value of the lesson through much wiser eyes and a more open heart.   Deep inside she was hurting, and was desperate to find a deeper sense of happiness. Her problem was she was looking at recognition from her career path to do this, rather than from deep within her soul.

Bouts of Anger or Frustration: In all my years as a manager I have seen that many insecure people carry a lot of anger and frustration. Ultimately insecurities are formed from our childhood experiences and situations that we have faced in our younger years, experiences that we are still holding onto which are affecting how we interact in the world as adults. Because of our insecurities we may find it difficult to extend love, and instead we choose to extend anger and frustration.  We return to child mode.  In these types of situations,  ensure you don’t return the persons behaviour with your own anger, instead you should act with compassion and an open heart. Of course this may be a challenge to you, especially if someone has been rude or hurtful towards you. The fact is, you can still be firm and get your view-point across but you can do it in a way that diffuses the situation completely and actually deflects the anger away from both of you.  More often than not, when you respond in such a way, the other person involved can start to see that their own angry outburst was wrong and totally unnecessary.

Encrypted Social Media Rants.  I suppose I am not surprised at the amount of people who turn to their social media sites to post encrypted rants about things they are unhappy with, but I really don’t see how it benefits anyone.  Other than getting a few things off of your chest in a public forum, for the world to see, how does that serve anyone well?  I personally feel, if you have a friend or partner that feels the need to do this, do not get into a conversation with them about it online, or comment on their post. Encouraging such negativity in fact just feeds their negativity, and in turn empowers it even more.  Secure, confident people, who value your friendship, will have the decency to talk to you face to face about something you may or may not done that has caused them upset.  Not feel the need to write some random coded status update on Facebook or such like.  Random ranty posts are just screaming for attention. Ignore them.

Secure, confident and happy people will generally be unfazed by others insecurities, approaching them with an open heart and a wise mind.  Secure people also rarely experience feelings of jealously or anger due to someone else’s good fortune. Instead they will wholeheartedly embrace the happiness of others and look within to be grateful for their own.

The Birth Of Beautifully Zen

Three years ago I launched myself into the scary world of  self employment with one huge enthusiastic leap.  My vision was clear, to create a sacred space for people to relax, destress and re-connect.  A year before,  my husband (then 38) suffered a massive heart attack.  A fluke thrombosis in his coronary artery that saw him in hospital for 11 days with intense one on one nursing care.  It was the most devastating and scary experience I have ever encountered.   An experience that change my direction in life entirely, life really is too short.

So after thirteen stable years of employment with the Metropolitan Police, and my desire to have a job that would help enable my husband to stop working shifts,  I purchased an exceptionally run down beauty business, in a pretty quaint town in Kent.   The sale wiped out every penny I had ever saved, but we were confident with my experience as a therapist and in management (I had trained whilst in the police), coupled with my  my overwhelming desire to make a go of it, we would be o.k.

Three months after acquisition the worst global recession struck the planet.  To add to this stress we discovered the lady I had purchased the business from was far from honest with her ‘accounts’ and the staff we had inherited could only be described as ‘challenging’. Very swiftly reality kicked in, like a blow to the stomach that makes your knees buckle.   Every ounce of success we had envisaged for my business and our new found ‘calmer lifestyle’ suddenly seemed beyond our grasp.

My working week began to average 80 hours and every waking moment was consumed with ideas of how to simply survive.  I wasn’t sleeping as I was stressed to the hilt and every penny earned simply went straight back into the business.   I was the poorest I had ever been, and I was angry that we had been so naive to believe everyone was a ethical and honest as we tried to be.   To add to my frustration I was also totally and utterly exhausted.   Life suddenly wasn’t fun.

Looking back now, I am surprised I didn’t end up at my doctors sobbing into a tatty old hanky pleading for some magic wand to be waved that would miraciously  ‘make everything alright’.

Three years on, and only through my sheer hard work and determination, I have managed to totally turn the business around.  The same business that we estimate was in fact losing thousands when it entered our world.

Is it still challenging?     Yes of course it is, but the light at the end of the tunnel is definately closer.

I have always believed every single challenge sent our way, is sent to teach us a valuable lesson.  My business journey sent me,  into a space I had only explored briefly in my adulthood.  I found myself vulnerable and whole heartedly exposed.   What I failed to acknowledge at the time, was in order for me  regain peace within my soul, I needed to learn to let go of the all familiar human condition of desiring to control every outcome in life.

For a brief two years I completely forgot to connect, I let the importance of my business consume my every atom.  I didn’t have time to meditate, in fact I didn’t have time to do anything.  Time with my husband was few and far between and when we were together we were either too stressed to have a rational conversation or too tired to speak.  My gym visits vanished, I rarely saw my friends as I couldn’t afford to go out and my life simply became a continuous blur of work and sleep.  In short, I completely forgot about me.

The whole experience brought me a barrage of lessons, but most importantly it taught me the value of never forgetting to ‘simply be,’ even when I’m living within the tornado of life, desperately clinging on to anything to help reground myself.

Beautifully Zen was born to share, muse and ramble about all things beautiful and good for the soul.  Beauty is my business, zen is my way.

I hope you may enjoy sharing some time here with me, and most of all I look forward to walking the journey with you.

Elizabeth xx